Quotes from Life on Mars

C.J.: Hang on, before we do anything, happy birthday, Mark, and don't ever say I don't pay attention to these things.
Mark: My birthday's in December.
C.J.: Okay, go ahead and say it then, what do I care?

C.J.: I do hate you and everything you stand for.
Joe: Claudia Jean, you've only known me for four minutes, it usually takes people the better part of an hour to hate me and everything I stand for.
C.J.: I'm the Press Secretary, Boo Boo, I don't have that kind of time.

Will: I came here to show you the spots and tell you I think we should run a counter-ad. I don't have an idea for one.
Toby: Well, get one. Have an idea. Don't come in here with half a thing and not be able to, y'know, after you've walked me to the brink, and say we've got to do this, it's important, though I have no earthly idea how. Like one of those guys who buys a big new thing, but doesn't really know how to get the most out of it!
Will: Toby, either get Andy to marry you, or kill yourself.
Toby: Yeah.

Donna: So, you're our new sawbones.
Joe: A sawbones is a doctor.
Donna: Is it?
Joe: Yeah. A lawyer's a shyster.
Donna: I got him to say it.
Joe: I don't... Josh is a lawyer.
Donna: Well, yeah, I mean, he went to law school, but... You don't practice law is all I was saying.
Josh: I don't practice law? I help write the laws. I write the laws. I make the laws. I am the law.

Margaret: The girls in the political affairs office saw you before and asked me to tell you that they wouldn't have covered your parking spot in mayonnaise if they'd know you were a biscuit.

Joe: I'm Joe Quincy. They told you I was coming by?
Toby: Yeah. You're the new sawbones?
Joe: Donna Moss already got me to say it.

Charlie: Toby is distracted by a woman. And salads.

Joe: The Northwest lobby is.. is that way?
Toby: Yeah, you just go that way and then, y'know, ask somebody else.

C.J.: Sorry, we thought for a second you were a huge bird knocking on the door.
Joe: Is something going on with birds?
C.J.: Well, one of them's obsessed with Donna.
Donna: It's true, I'm like Tippi Hedren around here.

Hoynes: Look out for ShopEgypt.org, I suppose. You're going to tell me I'm not going to Cairo.

Bartlet: Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Vice-President, if my Multiple Sclerosis was a bummer for your sex life. How the hell did you do this to us?!

Leo: You're a giant, John. You're a U.S. Senator, the Vice-President of the United States, and presumptive nominee of your party. You cannot be taken down by this cheap person and her customers huddled around Macy's window waiting for someone to turn themselves inside out. It's cause for divorce, not resignation. You can't be taken down by this cheap person.

Bartlet: Yeah, we're goigng to need a new Vice-President.